Just so you know... I'm letting go.

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.

-David Grayson

I’m sitting all alone in my room and I was thinking of things-decisions actually. And then it hit me!

I want to tell the world how we met and became friends.. And maybe it would sound like an indirect confession… he might soon know..

Would it make me lesser of an idiot? Maybe.

So here it goes..

Hindi ko na masyado matandaan kung paano ko siya unang nakilala. Ang natatandaan ko lang nung mga panahong nasa 3^{rd year highschool ako ay kung paano siya kumilos at makihalubilo sa mga kaklase niya.}

Hindi siya palangiti. Hindi din siya palausap nung mga panahong yun. Kaya inisip ko, "SUPLADO!".

Oo, suplado at masungit ang unang tingin ko sa kanya. At un din ang description ng ibang kaklase ko tungkol sa kanya.

Pero ang higit sa lahat natatandaan ko pa na sinabi ko noon sa sarili ko na imposibleng maging kaibigan ko siya. MASUNGIT AT SUPLADO. Haha.. Talk about FIRST IMPRESSIONS. Haha..

Pero lumipas ang ilang buwan, naging malapit ako sa kanya..at unti unting naging..kaibigan. At habang tumatagal nakikilala ko ang kahit papano’y parte ng pagkatao niya.

Hindi pala siya SUPLADO. SOBRANG SUPLADO Lang. Joke. Oo suplado nga siya..at hindi mahilig makipagusap .

Pero mali ako. Madaldal pala siya. Makulit. Haha.. Maarte.. Malandi.. Parang babae.. haha..pero Mabait din siya..sobra..yan ang 5 na M ng personality niya. Pero SUPLADO talaga siya. Suplado sa mga hindi kilala o mga kakikilala pa lang. Ganun siya. Tahimik at reserved. Haha. Mahilig din siyang magbasketball. And he is good at it. That is how we became friends. We share the same interests. He likes basketball and I like basketball too at that time. Dahil na din sa intrams kaya ko siya naging kaibigan. Nagsimula ko siyang makausap ng madalas dahil I "manage daw" our class basketball team that time. That’s it. We talk about a lot of things.. Pero at that time.. I don’t harbor any romantic feelings for him. I see him as one of my friends in school. And I thought I would never have feelings for him..

Again, I was so wrong.. When we entered college.. Sometime we talk over the phone, exchange text messages. We stayed friends even though we cant see each other.

We became close friends. I trust him and confide things to him. And I know he also trust me because he shared some of his problems with me.. We became the typical friends.. Because I I fell in love with someone during my 2nd year in college..

And then we don’t talk too much on the phone and text messages until my 4th year. I change my cellphone network for him. I just want to be in touched with him somehow.

But as time passed, I realized that the more he opens his heart to me, the more vulnerable my heart becomes.. And I started to feel something.. what we all call FEAR.. I was afraid that I might fall in love with him.

Natatakot akong mahalin siya dahil ayokong matulad ang pagkakaibigan namen sa pagkakaibigan sinayang ko 2 taon na ang nakakaraan. Natatakot akong mahalin siya dahil baka isang araw magising na naman ako..at pagkagising ko nawalan na naman ako ng isang mahalagang kaibigan.

I tried to cast my feelings away. Hoping na it’s not what I think it was..

Kahit na bihira kaming magkita.. His messages..His voice.. that’s all I have..na unti unti na ring nawawala dahil may-gf na siya. He fell in love. But I was too late. I loved him to much that I don’t know how to stop.

I love everything about him. His different sides that I have seen.. his good side..his sweet side.his weak side. His bad side. I love all of it. I just don’t know why and how. But all I know is that when I waked up one morning.. He is the first person I think of..and the last person I think of at night..

Masyado akong nalulong sa pagiging maalalahaning kaibigan.. He always made me feel special.. Or is that what I thought it was?

Tuwing mag-uusap kme sa text.. tuwing mag-sasabi siya ng problema niya.. I always felt the same pain he felt whenever someone hurt him. I even cried for his problems. It’s not pity. I cried because thats what I felt that time. when he’s in pain…I felt like It’s so hard to breathe..

And when he’s happy I’m happy too.. Is that what we all call TRUE LOVE? I don’t know.. I was afraid to know the answer.. Siguro nga.. I’m just so damn stupid.. That I always forgot to draw borders..so that I could protect myself.. I am always so weak..emotionally.. I might appear strong..but..am I really strong? After making the same mistake twice? Hell, am I that stupid? Haha.. don’t answer. I already know.

Right now, he’s happy with the girl he loves. And I hope that it will last long. It doesn’t matter when it’s hard to breathe for me.. as long as he is happy.. I will try hard to breathe..

I planned to tell my feelings.. But it’s not the right time. I might ruin something precious to us both- our friendship.. And that’s the last thing I would like to happen..

Someday, I would tell him. When I got the very first chance, I would definitely tell him.

And if someday I fall in love with another person, I would still tell him that I loved him before that he has a special place in my heart. And I know someday I would fall in love again then he will be a part of my past.

But the truth is that.. my feelings for him is already a part of the past..

I may have said these words a couple of times.. but now I revealed his identity.. and told my feelings for him openly.. he might already know..

But for the very last time.. I am sincerely letting go my feelings for you. From now on, I would never talk about you as the person I love, but more of my friend who’s been there for me. Again, for the very last time.. Goodbye..AJFL..and I have LOVED you..

And I know.. For sure.. I already found an exit out of the emotional forest..

Comments

[Lorely]

First things first, I'm proud of you!

Ok, I'll have to quote Mary J Blige's song for this:

You know sometimes
There come a time in your life
When you love something
You have to let it go
And even though
You might feel there’s still something there
You have to wake up
Stop living in a dream
Cause it’s over now
You got to think about you

Want a piece of my mind? Like the song says, "think about yourself". You deserve the best, if not better, so it’s time to walk away from this situation. I don't think there are any more reasons why you continue being disappointed needlessly. It's right for you to let go and leave it in the past, because, you really can’t lose a love you never had.

Wow. Feeling ko naman ako si Joe D'Mango nito. :) God bless!